The Dean on Dragons Den

DRAGON 1: “Come On in Dean”

Dean: “er…actually the names Carl”

DRAGON 2: (looking bemused) “oh….it says here that it’s Dean”

Dean: “no, Dean is just a pen name”

DRAGON 4: “Why do you have that?”

Dean: (without thinking it through) “makes me sound good”

DRAGON 4: “Oh I see…..do you need to sound good?”

Dean: (squirming already after a full ten seconds) “yeah”

DRAGON 4: (silent for a few seconds whilst staring at me) “oh”

DRAGON 4: “So tell us why you want our hundred grand then Dean”

Dean: “Carl”

DRAGON 4: “Sorry….CARL”

Dean: “Well I have been a poker player and a gambler for a long time now and…..”

DRAGON 2: “A gambler?……so you want to gamble with our money?”

Dean: (b*******, shouldn’t have said that. Serves me right for trying to wing it…..come on Carl….THINK) “Er…..no…..what I meant was that poker is sort of classed as gambling but it isn’t for the people who are good enough to win”

DRAGON 1: “And are you good enough to win?”

Dean: “Yes”

DRAGON 1: “Ok then Dean…..er….Carl……tell us what you want exactly and why you think you can make us money”

Dean: “Well I would ideally like a hundred grand and any more would be a bonus in order to play on the tournament circuit. I would be looking to make you 100% return on investment on your money”

DRAGON 2: (looking amazed) “One hundred grand to make one hundred grand…..I usually look for bigger returns than that”
Dean: (B*******…I lied and they are still not satisfied with the answer….should have said 500%….)….. “er” (stumbling for an answer)

DRAGON 2: “Carl…..I have a very keen interest in poker and follow the game closely both live and online. I play regularly too in London so I know a fair bit about the game”

Dean: (Forcing a smile) “Oh really” (B*******, never expected that)

DRAGON 2: “What I would like to ask you Carl is what sort of record do you have on the tournament circuit…..have you won any World Series events?”

Dean: “er…..No”

DRAGON 2: “Oh ok……lets move on…..how often do you get to Las Vegas”

Dean: “Never been to Vegas……don’t like flying”

DRAGON 1: “Carl……isn’t it going to be a little difficult getting to many of these tournaments if you don’t fly?”

Dean: “Er”……. (think of something quick)….. “it is but then again Dennis Bergkamp didn’t fly either and look at him. He was a world class footballer”

DRAGON 1: “So what you are saying is that you are the poker equivalent of Dennis Bergkamp”

Dean: “That’s a decent looking suit Duncan, that must have cost you a few bob” (change the subject you ****)

DRAGON 2: “Getting back to the subject of your tournament record Dean….CARL!!!……have you won any World Poker Tour events?”

Dean: “er……No”

DRAGON 2: “Ok…..well have you won any EPT’s then?”

Dean: “er…..No…..so can I have the hundred grand?”

DRAGON 3: “Maybe its easier to ask him what he has won”

DRAGON 2: (Stares at me silently waiting for an answer)

Dean: “Well I won the $10,000 main event on my computer a total of fifteen times in the space of a year. Although that was only against a field of just over 200 runners as it used the format for the 1990 event……but that equates to $15 million in prize money”

DRAGON 2: (looking bemused) “You mean…..virtual money?”

Dean: “yeah but its proven that its just as tough to win that as it is the real main event”

DRAGON 4: “Proven by who exactly?”

Dean: “er……me”

DRAGON 3: “Carl….forgive me…..but I am struggling to see how your record at tournament poker makes it possible for us to give you 100k”

Dean: (sounding surprised) “oh…..whys that?”

DRAGON 3: “Carl…..I really need to see some credentials here otherwise I am out…..have you got anything that can support your case other than $15 million virtual dollars?”

Dean: “Yes…..I have written hundreds of articles on poker for numerous poker magazines and websites including Bluff, Flush, Poker Pro, Online Poker Pro, WPT, Poker News and 2+2”

DRAGON 1: “So what’s that got to do with actually playing?”

Dean: “Because about 1000 articles is equivalent to 3 World Series bracelets, 2 WPT titles, 1 EPT, 2 GUKPT’s and a second place finish in the original series of Late Night Poker”

DRAGON 2: “WHAT!!!!”

Dean: (seriously floundering) “Er……have you heard of The Hendon Mob?”

DRAGON 2: “Yes…..are you better than them?”

Dean: “No…..but I have over 2000 posts on their site and over 100 articles which is the same as a final table finish in the $50,000 HORSE event at the World Series”

DRAGON 4: “By whose calculations?”

Dean: “It’s proven”

DRAGON 2: “Carl…..what makes you think that you have enough aggression and tournament savvy to be able to compete with these new kids on the block…..what I mean is…..have you got enough gamble in you to be able to wade through these huge fields?”

Dean: “er……well…..gambling shouldn’t be any problem seeing as it isn’t my mo…….. er……..er………what I mean is……

(b******* should have thought this through)

…… “fifteen mill and thousands of articles……what more can I say?” (come on just brass it through)……. “can I have the hundred grand?”

DRAGON 1: “I really think that I will have to miss out on this one Carl……I’m out”

DRAGON 4 “I’m out too……sorry Dean….CARL!!!”

Dean: (come on, please let one of them be a gambler and fancy a punt)

DRAGON 2 “I’m sorry Carl……I wont be taking this any further…..I’m out too”

DRAGON 3: (silence for a few moments…..tension builds)

“Carl……do you really think that you can replicate the $15 million virtual dollars if I give you 100k?”

Dean: ( pauses due to being seriously gobsmacked due to being on the verge of swinging it)

“yes…..definitely” (putting on best confident face)

DRAGON 3: “Hmmmm…….hmmmmm…….hmmmmm…….hmmmmm……..hmmmmmm…….hmmmmmmmm……..hmmmmmmm…….sorry Carl……I’m out”

Dean: (B*******….. slow-rolled for a hundred grand)

Dean: “Er…..I have lost track……have you all said no?”

DRAGON 1: “Afraid so Carl”

Dean: Stands in silence for a few seconds “oh well…..see yer then”

I never want to go through that ordeal ever again.